How to Deal With In-Laws Who Don't Respect You (Without Blowing Up Your Marriage)

When your in-laws don't respect you, you're fighting on two fronts: the in-laws themselves and the fact that your partner might not see the problem. The fix starts with getting your partner on your side first, then addressing the in-laws together. This guide gives you the exact words for both conversations, plus what to say in the moment when they make that comment at dinner.

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Your mother-in-law rearranges your kitchen while "helping" with Thanksgiving. Your father-in-law makes a crack about your job in front of the whole table. Your partner's sister talks about you in the group chat like you're not family.

And when you bring it up to your partner? "That's just how they are. They don't mean anything by it."

Yeah. That's what makes this so hard. It's not just that your in-laws don't respect you. It's that the one person who should have your back keeps making excuses for them.

If this is your life right now, you're not being dramatic. You're not "too sensitive." You're dealing with one of the most common and most painful relationship problems out there. And the reason it hurts so much is that the disrespect and your partner's reaction to it feel like the same thing: you don't matter enough.

Here's the deal. You can't control your in-laws. But you can change how you and your partner handle them as a team. And that changes everything.

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What Does In-Law Disrespect Actually Look Like?

Sometimes it's obvious. Sometimes it's so subtle you question whether it even happened. Here are the most common forms, because naming it is the first step to dealing with it.

The Passive-Aggressive Comments

"Oh, you're feeding the kids that for dinner?" Said with a smile. Plausible deniability built in. If you push back, suddenly you're the one with the attitude problem.

This also shows up as backhanded compliments. "Your house is so... cozy." (Translation: small.) "You look great! Have you lost weight?" (Translation: you needed to.) "That's an interesting way to do it." (Translation: wrong.)

Overstepping With Your Kids

This one makes people lose it. Your in-laws ignore your rules about screen time, sugar, bedtime, or discipline. They undermine you in front of the kids. They say things like "Grandma's rules are different" as if your parenting decisions are optional.

A woman named Denise, who works nights as an ER nurse, told her mother-in-law three times that the kids aren't allowed soda during the week. Three times her mother-in-law gave it to them anyway and said, "A little won't hurt." It's not about soda. It's about the message: your rules don't apply here.

Excluding You

They make plans with your partner and the kids without including you. Family conversations happen in a language you don't speak, and nobody translates. Inside jokes you're never let in on. You're physically in the room but socially invisible.

Criticizing Your Home, Your Cooking, Your Choices

Nothing you do is quite right. The house isn't clean enough. The meal isn't how they make it. Your car, your neighborhood, your career. The criticism might be direct, or it might come wrapped in "helpful suggestions" that nobody asked for.

Talking About You Like You're Not There

Your father-in-law turns to your partner at the dinner table and says, "She really lets the kids stay up that late?" You're sitting right there. They know you're sitting right there. They just don't care.

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Why Your Partner Might Not See It

This is the part that really stings. You tell your partner what happened, and they either don't believe you, downplay it, or get defensive.

Here's why that happens. Your partner grew up in this family. The behavior you see as disrespectful is the only normal they've ever known. When their mom rearranges your kitchen, your partner doesn't register it as overstepping because their mom has been doing that their entire life. It's like asking a fish to notice water. They can't see it because they're swimming in it.

There's also a loyalty thing happening. When you criticize their parents, it can feel like you're criticizing them. Their brain hears "your family is bad" even when you're saying "this specific thing hurt me." That triggers defensiveness faster than anything.

And sometimes, honestly, your partner does see it. They just don't want to deal with it. Standing up to a parent is terrifying for a lot of people. Especially if that parent is the type who retaliates, guilt-trips, or makes everyone's life miserable when they don't get their way. Your partner might be choosing the path of least resistance because confronting their parents feels scarier than letting you be uncomfortable.

That's a problem. And it needs to be addressed. But understanding why they react that way helps you approach the conversation without it turning into a fight about whose family is worse.

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The Two-Front Approach: Partner First, In-Laws Second

Here's the thing most people get wrong. They go straight to the in-laws. They confront the mother-in-law. They snap back at the comment. And it blows up, because now the in-laws feel attacked and your partner feels blindsided.

Talk to your partner first. Always. Get on the same page before you address anything with the in-laws directly. This is a team sport. If your partner isn't on the team, no boundary you set with the in-laws will stick.

Step 1: Talk to Your Partner (Without It Becoming a Fight)

Pick a calm moment. Not right after the incident when you're both heated. Not during a visit when the in-laws are in the next room. Pick a quiet evening when you have time and space.

Lead with how you feel, not with accusations about their parents. This is the difference between a conversation and a fight.

"Hey, I need to talk to you about something that's been bothering me. When your mom said [specific thing] at dinner, it made me feel like she doesn't think I'm good enough. I'm not asking you to pick sides. I'm asking you to hear me."

"I love your family. And I need you to know that when [specific behavior] happens, I feel invisible. I don't think they mean to hurt me, but it's happening, and I need us to figure this out together."

"Can I be honest about something? When your dad made that comment about my job, it really hurt. I know that's how he talks, but it's wearing me down. I need to know you've got my back on this."

Notice what these don't do. They don't say "your mother is a nightmare." They don't issue ultimatums. They don't demand your partner choose between you and their family. They describe a specific thing that happened, how it made you feel, and what you need.

Step 2: Decide Together What the Limit Is

Once your partner understands the problem, figure out together what needs to change. Keep it specific and reasonable.

Not: "Your parents need to respect me." (Too vague. Means different things to different people.)

Try: "We need your mom to stop commenting on how I feed the kids." Or: "We need 24 hours notice before anyone visits." Or: "When your dad makes comments about my job, I need you to say something in the moment."

Step 3: Your Partner Talks to Their Parents First

This is non-negotiable. Your partner needs to be the one who addresses their own parents. You going directly to your in-laws without your partner's backing is a recipe for disaster. They'll see you as the problem. Your partner will be caught in the middle. Everyone loses.

Your partner doesn't need to have a dramatic confrontation. A simple, firm conversation works.

What your partner can say: "Mom, I love you. But when you comment on how [partner's name] cooks or parents, it puts us in a tough spot. I need you to trust that we've got it handled."

What your partner can say: "Dad, I know you're joking, but the comments about [partner's name]'s job bother both of us. I'm asking you to stop."

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What to Say in the Moment (When It Happens Right in Front of You)

Sometimes you can't wait for a team meeting. The comment happens at the table. The overstep happens during the visit. You need something to say right now.

These are calm, firm, and short. You're not starting a war. You're drawing a line.

When they criticize your cooking, cleaning, or home:

"I appreciate you noticing. We're happy with how we do things."

When they overstep with your kids:

"We've got a rule about that, and I need you to follow it even when I'm not in the room. Thanks."

When they make a comment about your job or finances:

"We're doing fine. I'd rather not get into it."

When they give unsolicited parenting advice:

"I know you did it differently, and that's OK. This is how we're doing it."

When they pull the "I was just trying to help" defense:

"I know you mean well. And I'm telling you that this particular thing isn't helpful for us."

When they talk about you to your partner like you're not there:

"I'm right here. You can ask me directly."

When they compare you to an ex or to "how things used to be":

"I'm not interested in comparisons. I'm who [partner's name] chose, and I'm focused on our life now."

When they show up unannounced:

"We weren't expecting you today. Next time, give us a call first so we can make sure the timing works."

Keep your tone steady. Not angry. Not apologetic. Just matter-of-fact. You're stating a fact, not requesting permission. The calmer you are, the harder it is for them to paint you as the problem.

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Get the In-Laws Survival Guide: What to Say for Every Awkward Moment

All the phrases from this post plus 10 bonus responses for holidays, babysitting conflicts, and the "you're too sensitive" comeback. Keep it in your phone for the next family dinner.

[Get the Guide (Free)]

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When They Hit You With "You're Too Sensitive"

This one deserves its own section because it's the move that makes you doubt yourself the most.

You bring up the comment. You explain how it made you feel. And they say, "Oh come on, you're too sensitive. It was just a joke."

Here's what that actually means: "I don't want to take responsibility for how my words affected you."

It's a dismissal. And it works because it puts the blame back on you. Now you're not dealing with their behavior. You're defending your right to have feelings.

You don't have to defend your feelings. You get to have them.

"I hear you. And I'm still telling you it bothered me. I'd appreciate it if you didn't say things like that."

That's it. You don't need to prove you're not too sensitive. You don't need to justify why the comment hurt. You stated your boundary. If they don't like it, that's their problem to manage, not yours.

If standing up for yourself feels physically impossible in these moments, that's worth exploring. Sometimes the freeze response kicks in when you're around authority figures, and in-laws carry a lot of that energy.

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What If Your Partner Still Won't Back You Up?

You've had the conversation. You've been specific. You've asked clearly for support. And your partner still says, "You're overreacting" or "I'm not getting in the middle of this."

That's a marriage problem, not an in-law problem.

When your partner refuses to address disrespect from their family, the message you receive is: their comfort matters more than your pain. That might not be what they mean, but it's what lands. And over time, that builds resentment that poisons everything.

If you're in this spot, here's what to try:

"I'm not asking you to fight with your parents. I'm asking you to tell them that the way they treat me isn't OK. If you won't do that, what does that tell me about where I stand?"

That's a hard question. It's supposed to be. Because this is the real conversation: are we a team, or am I on my own in this marriage?

If your partner genuinely can't or won't have that conversation, a couples counselor can help. Not because your marriage is broken, but because some patterns are too close to see from the inside. A difficult conversation with a neutral third person in the room changes the dynamic completely.

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How to Survive the Holiday Visit

Holidays are when in-law tension goes nuclear. Extended time together, family traditions, alcohol, and everyone pretending everything is fine while it very clearly is not.

Here's a survival plan.

Set a time limit before you go. "We're staying two nights, not four." Decide this with your partner in advance. Present it as a done deal, not a negotiation.

Have a code word. Sounds silly. Works great. A word or phrase you and your partner use when one of you needs to leave the room, change the subject, or go home. "I think we need to check on the dog" means "get me out of this conversation."

Don't drink more than you normally would. Alcohol lowers your filter. The comeback you've been swallowing for three years will come out at the dinner table, and you won't be able to take it back.

Debrief after, not during. Save the real conversation for the car ride home or that night. Processing in real time at their house leads to whisper-fights in the guest bedroom.

Remember: you can leave. If it gets bad enough, you can drive home. You can get a hotel. You are an adult, and staying somewhere you're being mistreated is always optional, even if it feels like it isn't.

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A Real-Life Example

Marcus works in a warehouse. His wife Tanya's parents never thought he was good enough for her. They make comments about his job ("So, still doing the warehouse thing?"), his truck ("When are you getting a real car?"), and how he dresses ("You're wearing that?").

For two years, Marcus didn't say anything because Tanya said, "That's just how they are." He started dreading every family event. He got quiet. He and Tanya started fighting about unrelated stuff because the real thing, feeling disrespected and unsupported, was sitting underneath everything.

Finally, Marcus told Tanya: "I love your parents. But when your dad makes comments about my job, I feel like he's saying I'm not good enough for you. And when you don't say anything, I feel like you agree."

That last part hit hard. Tanya didn't agree. She just hadn't realized her silence felt like agreement.

The next time her dad made a comment, Tanya said, "Dad, Marcus works hard and I'm proud of him. I need you to stop with the jokes about his job."

Her dad was annoyed. He went quiet for the rest of dinner. But the comments slowed down. Not overnight. But enough that Marcus stopped dreading every visit. And Marcus and Tanya stopped fighting about things that weren't really the problem.

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Frequently Asked Questions

How do you deal with in-laws who don't respect you?

Start with your partner, not your in-laws. Tell your partner specifically what is happening and how it makes you feel. Use examples: "When your mom made that comment about my cooking at dinner, I felt like she was saying I'm not good enough for you." Then decide together how to handle it. Your partner needs to be the one who addresses their own parents first. Going directly to your in-laws before your partner is on board usually makes everything worse.

What are signs your in-laws don't respect you?

Common signs include making comments about your cooking, housekeeping, or parenting in front of other people. Giving unsolicited advice and getting offended when you don't take it. Showing up unannounced or overstaying visits. Talking to your partner about you as if you're not in the room. Overriding your decisions about your own kids. Comparing you unfavorably to an ex or to how things were "before." Excluding you from family conversations or plans.

How do you set boundaries with in-laws without ruining your marriage?

The key is making it a team effort with your partner instead of a you-versus-them situation. Talk to your partner first and get on the same page about what behavior is a problem. Decide together what the limit is and who will communicate it. Your partner should take the lead with their own parents. Frame it as protecting your marriage, not attacking their family. A limit like "We need 24 hours notice before visits" is about your household, not about rejecting anyone.

What do you do when your partner won't stand up to their parents?

This is the hardest version of the in-law problem. Your partner may not see the disrespect because they grew up with it and it feels normal to them. Try being specific rather than general. Instead of "Your mom is disrespectful," say "When your mom told me I was feeding the kids wrong at dinner last night, that hurt." If your partner still dismisses it, that's a marriage conversation, not an in-law conversation. You may need a counselor to help you both see the pattern.

Is it normal to not like your in-laws?

Yes. Research from Cambridge University found that about 60% of people report significant tension with at least one in-law. You don't have to love them or even like them. You just have to figure out a way to coexist that doesn't destroy your marriage or your self-respect. Liking your in-laws is a bonus, not a requirement. What matters is that the relationship stays respectful enough that holidays and family events don't feel like a war zone.

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About the Author

The Words for That creates practical strategies for people dealing with hard situations at work, at home, and in their relationships. No jargon. No therapy-speak. Just the exact words to say and steps to take this week.

Last updated: February 26, 2026

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